It's a funny place to be!!!

I'm an open and honest person and whilst there are times when I hold my tongue for whatever rhyme or reason sometimes I wish I could shout out! This week however its been strangely peaceful in my head I have no dramas no issues or weights threatening to drag me under. I've always had an underlying anger management problem and Ive always known that sometimes the way in which I come across can be entirely misconstrued and in the last month there have been many things I have wanted to say but something else entirely came out a million miles away from what I wanted that person to know and I guess that now that person is a million miles away (metaphorically speaking!) Ive had time to reflect on my own actions and the effect I have on others. I've had chance to think about why I react in the way I do and how the cables in my head are connected!

I guess a lot of it is centered on my last relationship I'm long over the person I was with but maybe I'm not over some of the issues that occured as a result of it. I always thought that I was over the fact that he cheated on me but it seems that in actual fact I am terrified of being "replaced" the feeling of rejection damn near killed me so much so I now have real issues of people coming and going in my life and this whole idea of just being "disposable" I blamed my self entirely for him seeking solace in someone else and the behaviour has stuck whether with friends or otherwise the minute someone else becomes involved fear grips me and my personal panic alarm is set off and my actions become neurotic and whilst thats what comes across to everybody else I am in actual fact gripped with actual fear that once again something I care about will be lost. The fear alone is entirely irrational and so many times I've tried to understand it and let it go but so much is the lasting effect. The relationship was itself emotionally abusive a constant battle of wills and my backing down, so now my automatic reaction is to just let anything go no matter how I may actually feel about it for an easier life. There are so many things that I never actually dealt with because I was so busy trying to deal with forgetting about the person, its only recently I have begun to think of the child that sometime this week would have been 4, I wander now I see the personalities that are coming out in my friends children what the personality of my own would have been but at the time I knew nothing of its existence until it was gone, to this day the fact it existed is something I have never discussed with ANYONE in my attempt as with so many other things at that time to bury without realising how the issues had become seperate and deep rooted and how they would have an effect on every relationship I would have in the future.

But somehow now it seems almost comforting to think that just by recognising those things and having the time to actually think about them and what they have done to me and the people around me and how in future I can do something about how I react by recognising them, I feel like I've dealt with them now and its a really funny feeling to feel I guess the best word would be free!