Coming soon at an Ikea near you...Jeremy Kyle's face on a cushion!

I have hit the pits!!! After a successful interview this morning feeling pretty pleased with myself I thought nothing of crawling back into my duvet turning on my T.V and doing nothing for the rest of the day! I feel no shame!!!
That is of course until I hit ITV2!!! There is something wrongly satisfying about feeling cosy and smug wrapped in my duvet whilst some chavvy, trackie clad hooli-yob (check it, its in the Me dictionary!!!) is having their entire existence punched holes in by some court suit clad mouthy up-start! Mr Jeremy Kyle, shamefully I found myself completely absorbed in the shout fest unraveling in front of my eyes and found myself rallying the Kyle side! I have to admit that he doesnt strike me as the type of guy I would give a second thought to if he were to start shouting at me but some of these people are so dense I doubt as if they even realise what it is the tyrant is shouting at them! Its all such trash tv and yet I am so completely addicted today and :-O I put trackies on!!!
I am so glad that I can look out of the window of my parents 4 bedroomed house into the quiet suburban neighbourhood at a drive full of cars knowing that there will be no Jeremy Kyle gawping in trying to offer me "help!"

Catch 22

On the 9th December its my mates birthday, for it I fully intend to buy him the worlds biggest gobstopper! I mean its gonna be huge cos then maybe he'll keep his mouth shut long enough!!! I cant say that I'm super pissed off or anything cos I know damn well he didnt act on any malicious impulse however irritation is what I'm closest to because whilst I'm being told not to worry its sort of a bit more complicated than that cos whilst I'm not able to explain myself I feel like a rabbit in headlights. I'm sort of torn between this pin badge heart on my sleeve and the impulse to crawl into a little ball and hide. I just wish sometimes that I can be left to live in my own way because its easier for me. Now as I say I'm wide out in the open where I'm just waiting to be shot down, I can actually almost hear the clock ticking on me. Whilst I'm not going to get angry I mean lets be realistic whats getting angry going to achieve? I do sort of feel like I should say something and that I should be allowed to say something because why should I be the only one to be sat here feeling vulnerable, again, cos thats exactly why I hadnt shot my own mouth off! Talk about awkward I am almost glad at the moment that I feel like I'm being avoided!
However I am an adult and the best thing I think I can do is hold my head up (and possibly my hands!) and live with it I just wish that sometimes people would think about the consequences of their actions particularly when they dont have to deal with them themselves, after all its not like I actually had a choice in the first place.

Guy-liner, Sick and Crying!!!

Ok so yesterday when I said the party was gonna be messy I certainly wasnt thinking in a literal sense!!! I was so excited all night and all day about the impending party last night that I was agitated at work when customers walked in at 6 O'Clock even!!! Everyone got the sob story about how poor little me had to work a few hours instead of being at her little brothers birthday drinks do!!! Consider tho that I had to book it off a month or so in advance and someone got there before me so I couldnt have the entire evening I was a little bit miffed!!!
Anyway I get there 21:05 having rushed round like a blue assed fly to get the other half of my outfit left half way across town! I spose it helped that I chose my outfit two weeks ago!!! Anyway I get into the usual rhythm of things socialising like mad with old school friends, new acquaintances and those I've met a few times before a right little social whirlwind I was in the excitement of the evening! Sort of disappointed with the lack of uniform tho that I was so eagerly expecting! However that, that was there got a right ribbing for his apparent look of wearing Guy-liner!!! Haha! I have never seen anyone who has such dark but short eyelashes that it looks that way and boy did I have fun with it well I gotta get my kicks from somewhere.
The evening progressed in the company of a friend of mine from primary school who was trying to give me lessons in flirting!!! I didnt have the heart to tell her that as lovely as she is her taste in men (50 year old men!) sort of doesnt really go down so well with people who are drunk! She herself was bladdered! further evening progression was to go to the next bar, however this...ahem...was where my night ended, I never made it to the next bar due to the fact that one who shall not be named decided to share the contents of his stomach with the pub floor!!! Nnnniiiiiiiiccccccceeeee! And me being the good friend that I am (and the only one with a car!) had the...ahem...honour of returning the "heroically saving" favour! After numerous phone calls from those still scaling the town to make sure that he hadnt died on the journey home or worse still shared further contents of his KFC with my car I was branded an absolute Legend! To damn right cos once in the house I wasnt lucky enough to get away with being over the worst of it!!! NOT BY ANY MEANS!!! :-s
Consequently my evening was over I could have rejoined the others however by all accounts I was probably luckier to be where I was whole pieces of chicken and all, 4 of the 6 girls out decided to cry over boys!!! One due to the fact my poor single spoilt for choice brother danced with one girl much to the despair of another, who's sister couldnt take her emotionally distressed sibling being so upset and promptly started gushing buckets herself! In the corner one couple split up and consequently tears were leaked there too and in the other corner another cried for reasons still unknown!!! I do thus count myself a tiny bit lucky that after the initial OMG if he keeps this up I'm gonna hurl myself, all I got was, "Did I tell you I got Resident evil 5 special edition!? It was £20 instead of £40 and it comes in a metal box! :-)". Yes you did, 7 times!!!

Party time in the wild house!!!

Ok so its that time of year again where everyone seems to be having a birthday!!! This week alone there has been 4!!!! Todays party tho is the party of the year for me, My brothers! And why is it so awesome! Cos he has rather alot of friends that all wear uniform!!!! I for one am a real sucker for a hot guy in uniform!!! Of course they wont be tonight they will look like any other guy on a night out but what I will be doing with my eyes would make the Devil blush!!! I'm gonna do my best impression of Cool! Lets just hope then that unlike the last two years my sibling doesn't puke down the side of my car ;-( haha!!! Its gonna be messy!!! :-D

Whats half a mind when you can have a whole one!!!

Ok so I've been having a really damn good think since my last outburst!!! To be fair I'm outbursted out!!! I was in half a mind whether or not to delete my last few posts but then whats the point if thats the way I was feeling why edit myself!!? Maybe I just didnt get off to a very good start maybe I just caught myself off guard on an off week cos usually there is no distinction between whats going on inside to whats coming out. Ok so sometimes if I've got something to say out loud I will usually edit it only because I fear consequences. 9/10 tho what you see is what you get and I feel sort of bad that in the last week I may have fruit loop binned myself :-( I guess I didnt realise that I had to say as much as has come out but now I have I feel so much better and this is really for me to be able to say what I cant out loud [the bonus being no one interupts me!!! ;-)] Anyway the upshot is I've decided not to but I've also come to the conclusion in many ways I really am my own worst enemy. However having got it all out of my system, having actually seen the words in front of me instead of whirling round my head its actually easier to focus my energy somewhere else now so being as I actually feel like I cant be pissed off by a swarm of raging wasps now for ooh at least a week its time to exercise happy me for a while, angry me is officially back its cage again and this time its fricking well staying there!!! ;-)

Imploding.

I finally found a bit of peace and calm after last nights whirlwind anger management issue! However everything remains intact nothing was harmed during the riding of the storm!!! I just did my usual thing and took myself off to bed tossed and turned til I could see daylight and finally drifted off to sleep. Self control in check ;-) Awesome! I am in awe of my ability to just switch off when I'm angry I dont know what happens cos I rarely remember I just kind of go blank like really quiet in my mind too like its best not to think about anything. The easiest thing to do is go to my happy place. That very much used to be asleep but lately I'm having really shitty dreams where everyone ignores me invariably theres something wrong and I'm trying to get someones attention but no one listens eventually everyone just sort of fades out and its just me stood there. Seriously I'm almost considering getting proffessional help, its really hard to admit that I really am this unhappy and that I really cant carry on being so. I've read back through the blogs I've made so far and back through the diaries I've kept since I was 14 and for every 1 happy moment it seems like there is months of self loathing and hate to make up for it. I also thought today too about my really warped sense of what I look like and the type of person I am, for the last month Ive been obsessing about what i've been eating thinking that I've put on loads of weight and look really fat when in actual fact I got on the scales today to find out that I weigh half a stone less than I did three weeks ago. My obsession with what I put in my mouth it appears has come back to haunt me again :-( sat at the dinner table this evening my mother watched as I seperated everything into squares. The squares that werent perfect wouldnt be eaten those that were had to cut down again into smaller squares and the process of elimination would start again until of course the food on my plate was stone cold and I didnt have to eat any of it. Yesterday was a similar food game only yesterday the game was colours i would only eat foods that matched certain colours. No one thought it strange that my plate consisted of just 3 items! I dont think it even worries me to be honest not anymore last time I went through this I again let my issues of self loathing and hate, control the one thing I felt I had control over to make me feel happy again, Food. Only this time my magical food therapist doesnt exist anymore because the NHS made cuts at my local surgery so I dont have to worry about her making me eat at least 2000 calories a day and making a physical note about it at least she wont be scrutinsing the little diary she made me keep and some how knowing exactly where I was lying!!! How she ever knew still completely eludes me. At least this time tho I can admit I've got a problem its just I dont actually want to do anything about it! So its just me and yeah I'm right this time it is just me in the last year more friends have moved away than I knew there were the towns to accommodate them and you know what there's sweet FA I can do about it. I am almost completely resigned to the fact that I am 100% headed for a bit of a crash. In fact I think crash maybe the wrong word for it I think carnage may be more appropriate. But I know that I yet again only have myself to blame I was the one who gave into my self hating side constantly critisising and pointing out only that, that is wrong with me and letting others do the same failing to see that there may actually be anything good about me and now I just dont care. The void that is me is getting bigger and one day soon I'm just going to implode.

Playing Dead.

Hhmmm! Not quite sure how this one is gonna go I guess I'm just gonna wing it!
I am so inexplicably angry that I could just pick anything up right now and throw it and shatter the first thing it comes into contact with then I could probably quite remorselessly go through the rest of the room in much the same way. I'm not sure how I got this far but I can actually feel the burning going right through my entire body. A rage I have no idea of controlling.
Not might I add that I will go on and do such a thing I apparently have far too much self control for that a weakness to just let everything go but I could, let anyone dare tell me that I dont have the fight in me. I DO. I could sing from the bloody rooftops of the houses on the moon I could switch off the sun I could move this universe into the next to show just how much I will fight and how much I bloody well care.
Let me be an endurance if thats all I am, let me cut out my tongue so that I may sing no more burn my hands so that I cant touch any surface and tie me down so that I can only sit still but its not going to change a fucking thing. I'll still be here, I'll still try with everything else I have left, theres not a god damn fucking thing I or anyone can do about it believe me I've tried and maybe thats why I'm angry cos I cant even walk away without fucking coming back there is nothing I can do . But here's the thing I DONT WANT TO. I'm not going to make any apologies anymore for it but neither will I continue to roll over and play dead.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!!!

I am so bored!!!! A month ago I was all excited thinking woo go me three months off! OMG! I'm not joking now I'm contemplating skinning puppies just for kicks I am soooooooo bored! I've applied for a job that I can do nothing about for the time being until they get their backsides into full working gear com'on just cos I'm on go slow I wanna be moving faster!!!!
I'm not even sure I wanna go back to uni next year I cant stand it anymore I want the other job I'm going for I'm gonna have to tell my tutor at some point and oh boy am I looking forward to the sarcastic remarks I'm gonna get...not just cos he was some big shot theatre wannabe! I've come to the conclusion I'm just a little bit more grounded than that! gggggrrrrrr! Theatre officially gets right up my schnoz! I hate it!!!! Maybe thats why I'm so blue at the moment cos I'm stuck in the theatre rut I'm not competetive I'm more likely to drop out than fight for a part I'm just not arsed! But thats the attitude thats got me into trouble this year apparently, apparently I have no fight and I'm never gonna get anywhere in life if I dont start being a bit more forthcoming. You know what NO I'm done if I aint putting nothing into it, I cant actually want it can I!? And by the way my attitude is just fine thank you very much!

Honest to little too late...

Have you ever noticed that no matter what you tell yourself, no matter what you believe in you always manage to miss the truth of a situation?
You sit back trying to analyse the very sinews of anything of consequence and meaning and often come back with new daunting questions that knock you to the core of your being, more so than the original situation. Questions always questions. Everyone wants to know this or everyone wants to know that and what happens when really deep down you know that whatever lame excuses you've given every procrastinating eagle eye and more importantly yourself you were never quite being honest.
Is it ok to lie to yourself to hold onto the things you want to believe in that little bit longer? Or should we be as ruthless with ourselves and our emotions as we would our unwanted possessions. Beliefs are possessions aren't they? Not tangible but all the same, some to be treasured and held onto others to be discarded as and when the time is right.
My dilemma as it stands stems from this idiosyncratic tendency to lie to myself and miss the truth of a situation. I would rather live my life with my silver spoon glued firmly into my mouth and my castle made of cookie dough to be as sweet as the day I was born into it. Nothing ever really goes wrong and my mountains really are molehills and the more I learn of other people and their situations as far from mine as my rose tinted glasses will enable me to see, the more I realise that whilst I chat rubbish about not being able to or wanting to see a situation for what it is or more importantly see exactly what it is but sitting on my over pampered backside and doing nothing about it, others wish they could be dealing with situations as trivial as mine.
I realise that after 8/9 months of being in this situation I have always know what I could have done about it and everyday for the last 8/9 months I have chosen to box up my "drama" and live with what I call "My pain" in the hope that my Knight in highly polished Armour would turn around and make my dreams come true. Castle made of cookie dough, happily ever after, the end!
But what I have failed to notice in my lying to myself to "protect" my "fragility" and keeping some dignity in what I believe in, my Knight in shining Armour has been somewhat tarnished and all I have succeeded in doing is neglecting the fact that whilst I screamed my demands and played my silly games, he was crumbling in front of me trying to hold himself together with whatever sticky goo happened to be lying around just so that he may keep some real dignity and stay true to real beliefs as opposed to my throwing my teddy out of the pram.
No one has taught me as much in such short amount of time about being honest and believing in myself as he has and yet I still lie to myself and procrastinate over non existent drama's missing what was true about the situation, I analysed every sinew of the metaphoric body, tangling myself in the web of questions from both myself and those around me who wanted nothing more than tomorrows dirty sheets, excusing myself with a lameness of put on innocence, knowing all along what was actually true. My verdict being that whilst lying to myself was acceptable when I was teen and didnt know any better now I'm older I should have known that "cute" isnt cute anymore and whilst I'll always have something to believe in, now through my own stupidity I may not be able to hold onto it for very much longer. All I should have ever been was honest.