Tuesday, 15 September 2009
This pin badge heart on my sleeve...
I have to laugh at myself sometimes! As much as I may get temporarily angry I cant keep a straight face for longer than 2 seconds, and as much as I sometimes think that people take advantage of my nature to do anything for anybody I'd never stop doing it. I'd never take advice from myself and I'd hate to be on the other end of a serious conversation with myself! But I dont see anything wrong with being 99% happy I dont see anything wrong with wearing my heart on my sleeve cos what would happen if no one ever took chances!? No one is going to stop me any more I'm not gonna stop to worry about how much of my world is grey. I'm not going to spend my time looking over my shoulder to see who's there to try and trip me up as far as I'm concerned they already fell flat on their face! No one is going to take this smile off my face cos where I am is where I want to be right now, tomorrow is another day and it never comes anyway and the people that didnt make it past my yesterday dont burn as much as they think they should! Sometimes you've got to break the rules to have some fun! I just thought I'd inform the world of my new conviction! <3
Sunday, 13 September 2009
Who needs luck with odds like these...
Once again I find myself embarking on yet another "drama" I'm so sick of drama in my life its no wander I quit uni! 5 weeks tomorrow is my 23rd birthday nothing very special just another number however every birthday is special to me because my Mum has always made them so. Every year she finds something new to do for it buys a new decoration or goes all out to decorate the house and make you feel like the most important person in the world just cos its your birthday a tradition I have inherited but pull off in no means the same spectacular fashion. This year though I've felt like the odds have been stacked against me to enjoy this birthday as my friends all have other plans and tomorrow we find out if my Mum who has been there throughout every shit time in my life made everyday as fun and happy as she can as well as every birthday and made right as many of my wrongs as she humanly could, has cancer.
By no means should anyone get me wrong my birthday is in fact neither here nor there, I would in fact trade a lifetime of birthdays if it meant she didn't have it and I have to admit since last wednesday I have been thinking very long and very hard about whats important in my life now and what happens should the worst be the case tomorrow, almost everything has been put into some kind of perspective and all the trivial things that caused me chagrin before have somewhat disappeared and the need for people in my life that I can rely on and who actually give an ounce of a crap has become important, not that I expect for any of the relationships I have with people to change but I've found myself becoming bored with people who have excuses for everything and people who dont know what they've got until its gone I'm getting annoyed at even small displays of blasaity everything tiny thing around me is having an effect on me at the moment I dont want to miss a single minute of anything but its being ruined by people who are all too willing to throw everything away. I can see that the next few months are probably going to be much harder than I first anticipated but for the sake of staying as strong as I possibly can I'm cutting all the crap out of my life I am now more than aware of the smaller things in life that have more meaning than grand gestures, I hold my hands up and confess I have and I do take things for granted but from now on I've got to concentrate on the things that are actually important even if she's fine I've had one hell of a wake up call.
By no means should anyone get me wrong my birthday is in fact neither here nor there, I would in fact trade a lifetime of birthdays if it meant she didn't have it and I have to admit since last wednesday I have been thinking very long and very hard about whats important in my life now and what happens should the worst be the case tomorrow, almost everything has been put into some kind of perspective and all the trivial things that caused me chagrin before have somewhat disappeared and the need for people in my life that I can rely on and who actually give an ounce of a crap has become important, not that I expect for any of the relationships I have with people to change but I've found myself becoming bored with people who have excuses for everything and people who dont know what they've got until its gone I'm getting annoyed at even small displays of blasaity everything tiny thing around me is having an effect on me at the moment I dont want to miss a single minute of anything but its being ruined by people who are all too willing to throw everything away. I can see that the next few months are probably going to be much harder than I first anticipated but for the sake of staying as strong as I possibly can I'm cutting all the crap out of my life I am now more than aware of the smaller things in life that have more meaning than grand gestures, I hold my hands up and confess I have and I do take things for granted but from now on I've got to concentrate on the things that are actually important even if she's fine I've had one hell of a wake up call.
Thursday, 3 September 2009
Speedhate!!!
Apparently according to my mate I'm not pulling my weight with the site she created with the sole purpose of getting me a date. Not to sound ungrateful but I neither asked her nor do I condone the creating of the site in fact I find the whole idea of her involvement in my Love life a bit control freak physco. The fact that she finds it necessary to set me up at all suggests to me that maybe she's missing something in her own relationship and that instead of involving herself in mine she should take a look a her own. I know that she probably means well however can she not see how it may be just a little bit insensitive and even condescending that she finds that I alone am so obviously incapable of finding myself someone!?
I just find it a bit weird why is it she feels the need to have the control over me!? Is that what its really about underneath? How would she feel if I was to go about wading into her personal life and suddenly demanding that she see's this person on my say so or that one? Would she if she were not so "happily" coupled up herself probably think the same way as me? Would she then go and "date" the men I'd shortlisted for her knowing nothing about them putting herself in a potentially embarrassing or even dangerous situation? Somehow I think not and somehow I think that perhaps she would be as wary as me and perhaps she should consider this fact:
Perhaps the reason that I am single is because one to many times I've trusted a friend.
I just find it a bit weird why is it she feels the need to have the control over me!? Is that what its really about underneath? How would she feel if I was to go about wading into her personal life and suddenly demanding that she see's this person on my say so or that one? Would she if she were not so "happily" coupled up herself probably think the same way as me? Would she then go and "date" the men I'd shortlisted for her knowing nothing about them putting herself in a potentially embarrassing or even dangerous situation? Somehow I think not and somehow I think that perhaps she would be as wary as me and perhaps she should consider this fact:
Perhaps the reason that I am single is because one to many times I've trusted a friend.
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Out on a Limb...
So then...yeah the er...future. My future. Hmmmm...you should know that right now I'm doing that thing when I'm rolling back and forward onto the balls of my feet and every now again clapping my hands in front of me whilst contemplating what exactly "My Future" entails. I know what I want and know how to get there and I know that until I'm rolling into that car park on a frosty Monday morning I have a hell of a long time til I get there.
At the moment thats all I have is the smallest glimmer of light at the end of a very long tunnel.
I've left uni realising that now at 23 I need more in my life than a piece of paper with a qualification on it. I need to be able to move into my own house and stand on my own two feet rather than sailing on the wings of my parents. I need to take responsibility for myself, I need to start feeling a bit of pride about myself.
To boot I know I'm alone on this because my parents never wanted me to do what I've done for the last year because I guess they knew I would be unhappy. My Brother as much as he has helped me out unconditionally is giving me a load of, " I told you so." Which I have to admit I guess I deserve. So its me, myself and I. And I've really gotta figure this out.
However knowing what my destination is I'm tempted to up sticks and move away and start new the job I want is country wide and maybe if I move away I'll get there faster. My family will still be here and they'll understand and I know they will support me. Its tempting cos now I have this tiny bit of freedom to actually do something with my life and stop pissing around with certificates proving I've achieved nothing much so far. I could move anywhere I wanted make new friends, find someone who wants me and have a job I love instead of this feeling of well being a bit empty actually.
Despite all this tho and the short term uncertainty I know that I have made the best decision of my entire life and all I can see is happy me, no matter how hard its gonna be to get there :-)
At the moment thats all I have is the smallest glimmer of light at the end of a very long tunnel.
I've left uni realising that now at 23 I need more in my life than a piece of paper with a qualification on it. I need to be able to move into my own house and stand on my own two feet rather than sailing on the wings of my parents. I need to take responsibility for myself, I need to start feeling a bit of pride about myself.
To boot I know I'm alone on this because my parents never wanted me to do what I've done for the last year because I guess they knew I would be unhappy. My Brother as much as he has helped me out unconditionally is giving me a load of, " I told you so." Which I have to admit I guess I deserve. So its me, myself and I. And I've really gotta figure this out.
However knowing what my destination is I'm tempted to up sticks and move away and start new the job I want is country wide and maybe if I move away I'll get there faster. My family will still be here and they'll understand and I know they will support me. Its tempting cos now I have this tiny bit of freedom to actually do something with my life and stop pissing around with certificates proving I've achieved nothing much so far. I could move anywhere I wanted make new friends, find someone who wants me and have a job I love instead of this feeling of well being a bit empty actually.
Despite all this tho and the short term uncertainty I know that I have made the best decision of my entire life and all I can see is happy me, no matter how hard its gonna be to get there :-)
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