I'm an open and honest person and whilst there are times when I hold my tongue for whatever rhyme or reason sometimes I wish I could shout out! This week however its been strangely peaceful in my head I have no dramas no issues or weights threatening to drag me under. I've always had an underlying anger management problem and Ive always known that sometimes the way in which I come across can be entirely misconstrued and in the last month there have been many things I have wanted to say but something else entirely came out a million miles away from what I wanted that person to know and I guess that now that person is a million miles away (metaphorically speaking!) Ive had time to reflect on my own actions and the effect I have on others. I've had chance to think about why I react in the way I do and how the cables in my head are connected!
I guess a lot of it is centered on my last relationship I'm long over the person I was with but maybe I'm not over some of the issues that occured as a result of it. I always thought that I was over the fact that he cheated on me but it seems that in actual fact I am terrified of being "replaced" the feeling of rejection damn near killed me so much so I now have real issues of people coming and going in my life and this whole idea of just being "disposable" I blamed my self entirely for him seeking solace in someone else and the behaviour has stuck whether with friends or otherwise the minute someone else becomes involved fear grips me and my personal panic alarm is set off and my actions become neurotic and whilst thats what comes across to everybody else I am in actual fact gripped with actual fear that once again something I care about will be lost. The fear alone is entirely irrational and so many times I've tried to understand it and let it go but so much is the lasting effect. The relationship was itself emotionally abusive a constant battle of wills and my backing down, so now my automatic reaction is to just let anything go no matter how I may actually feel about it for an easier life. There are so many things that I never actually dealt with because I was so busy trying to deal with forgetting about the person, its only recently I have begun to think of the child that sometime this week would have been 4, I wander now I see the personalities that are coming out in my friends children what the personality of my own would have been but at the time I knew nothing of its existence until it was gone, to this day the fact it existed is something I have never discussed with ANYONE in my attempt as with so many other things at that time to bury without realising how the issues had become seperate and deep rooted and how they would have an effect on every relationship I would have in the future.
But somehow now it seems almost comforting to think that just by recognising those things and having the time to actually think about them and what they have done to me and the people around me and how in future I can do something about how I react by recognising them, I feel like I've dealt with them now and its a really funny feeling to feel I guess the best word would be free!
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Friday, 9 October 2009
Starting the race in last place.
When I was little I was the blonde haired, blue eyed kid who sat in the corner with the Devil may care smile my guaranteed ticket out of trouble! I was always picked last for the team, the last in the cue and the one falling over my little blue boots. I always had scabs on my knees, knots in my hair and finger nails bitten to the kwick. The girls didn't like me cos i didn't like Barbie! The boys kicked footballs at me until i joined the team! I never stood out I was just your average plain Jane. I'd go so far as to say I was somewhat invisible.
As I grew up it was my friends that were pretty, my friends that got noticed and my friends that got attention from the boys and I, well I just stayed invisible.
I've noticed recently that almost my entire life I've been for the benefit of everybody else almost completely invisible. My best friend in school quite frankly looked like a frog, wide faced, a little bit squishy but everybody noticed her, she had a 5'8'' frame with not so much as an inch to pinch and was always immaculately manicured (Something I noticed she still is when I was sat at 9:00am in the morning in a petrol station last week in just my trackies and my bed hair!!!), she's the kind of girl men pass off as high maintainence but you know damn well they'd more than pay the price to be with her. In school I was the price to pay, the one that made her look good! (and believe me you have no idea just how hard I had to work at that!!!) But I forever made myself invisible when the guys leaned past me to talk to her, and I "forgot" about the time her "amazing" first boyfriend kissed me then asked me to ask her out!!! All of the time just faded to the background.
My first year of secondary school was spent by myself because one girl actually wanted me to BE invisible so that she could become best friends with what felt like the only friend I had, but I did it I went and sat by myself and became all invisible so that she didnt have to feel all upset. Even when I took a bike and a punch to the face and didnt even so much as bleed I just assumed I was that see through both the handle bars and the fist had probably passed right through me, it was the pain that told me they hadn't!!! Even my social networking profile is making me invisible to anyone on its chat facility!
When my first "amazing" boyfriend left it to his friends to come and visit me in hospital after a life saving operation I acted like it was fine, out of sight out of mind, I wasn't so invisible when he got a strop on though! And when he crashed his car into the back of an arctic truck and left me there whilst he made sure the driver of the car we bounced into was ok. 10 whole minutes i was sat there trapped between a central reservation and a crumpled door, it took 2 burly lorry drivers to open it completely invisible whilst my ex chatted the weather and insurance! Made sure I was invisible when it came to giving police statements too!
Then there was the guy after him my simple but honest best mate who knew that I fancied the arse off him and that everybody wanted us to be together but to him it was the invisible fact that he ignored because I wasnt skinny enough for him or able to keep the plastic smile on my face all the time! And as a lovely a guy as he is, its funny how I'm suddenly not all invisible now he's suddenly single again!
And then we get to final situation where even simple things like text messages cant be sent to me whilst the sender is in the presence of someone else because its "rude" funny how its ok for them to be sent whilst with me! and the receivers most likely know nothing of my existence yet theirs is rammed down my throat at every opportunity! And how its so easy to deny me and make me even more disposable and see through as and when it suits and only to be spent time with at the very arse end of night when no one can see me.
I have come to the conclusion that I am with my now dark hair and blue eyes, still sat in the corner with my invisible Devil may care smile, Invisible because thats how I suit everybody! never the keeper always the stepping stone the invisible one that would give a sure footing to the ends of the earth when most wouldnt even go to the end of the street for me, Well lets see then what they think when I show them all how invisible I really can be.
As I grew up it was my friends that were pretty, my friends that got noticed and my friends that got attention from the boys and I, well I just stayed invisible.
I've noticed recently that almost my entire life I've been for the benefit of everybody else almost completely invisible. My best friend in school quite frankly looked like a frog, wide faced, a little bit squishy but everybody noticed her, she had a 5'8'' frame with not so much as an inch to pinch and was always immaculately manicured (Something I noticed she still is when I was sat at 9:00am in the morning in a petrol station last week in just my trackies and my bed hair!!!), she's the kind of girl men pass off as high maintainence but you know damn well they'd more than pay the price to be with her. In school I was the price to pay, the one that made her look good! (and believe me you have no idea just how hard I had to work at that!!!) But I forever made myself invisible when the guys leaned past me to talk to her, and I "forgot" about the time her "amazing" first boyfriend kissed me then asked me to ask her out!!! All of the time just faded to the background.
My first year of secondary school was spent by myself because one girl actually wanted me to BE invisible so that she could become best friends with what felt like the only friend I had, but I did it I went and sat by myself and became all invisible so that she didnt have to feel all upset. Even when I took a bike and a punch to the face and didnt even so much as bleed I just assumed I was that see through both the handle bars and the fist had probably passed right through me, it was the pain that told me they hadn't!!! Even my social networking profile is making me invisible to anyone on its chat facility!
When my first "amazing" boyfriend left it to his friends to come and visit me in hospital after a life saving operation I acted like it was fine, out of sight out of mind, I wasn't so invisible when he got a strop on though! And when he crashed his car into the back of an arctic truck and left me there whilst he made sure the driver of the car we bounced into was ok. 10 whole minutes i was sat there trapped between a central reservation and a crumpled door, it took 2 burly lorry drivers to open it completely invisible whilst my ex chatted the weather and insurance! Made sure I was invisible when it came to giving police statements too!
Then there was the guy after him my simple but honest best mate who knew that I fancied the arse off him and that everybody wanted us to be together but to him it was the invisible fact that he ignored because I wasnt skinny enough for him or able to keep the plastic smile on my face all the time! And as a lovely a guy as he is, its funny how I'm suddenly not all invisible now he's suddenly single again!
And then we get to final situation where even simple things like text messages cant be sent to me whilst the sender is in the presence of someone else because its "rude" funny how its ok for them to be sent whilst with me! and the receivers most likely know nothing of my existence yet theirs is rammed down my throat at every opportunity! And how its so easy to deny me and make me even more disposable and see through as and when it suits and only to be spent time with at the very arse end of night when no one can see me.
I have come to the conclusion that I am with my now dark hair and blue eyes, still sat in the corner with my invisible Devil may care smile, Invisible because thats how I suit everybody! never the keeper always the stepping stone the invisible one that would give a sure footing to the ends of the earth when most wouldnt even go to the end of the street for me, Well lets see then what they think when I show them all how invisible I really can be.
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
This pin badge heart on my sleeve...
I have to laugh at myself sometimes! As much as I may get temporarily angry I cant keep a straight face for longer than 2 seconds, and as much as I sometimes think that people take advantage of my nature to do anything for anybody I'd never stop doing it. I'd never take advice from myself and I'd hate to be on the other end of a serious conversation with myself! But I dont see anything wrong with being 99% happy I dont see anything wrong with wearing my heart on my sleeve cos what would happen if no one ever took chances!? No one is going to stop me any more I'm not gonna stop to worry about how much of my world is grey. I'm not going to spend my time looking over my shoulder to see who's there to try and trip me up as far as I'm concerned they already fell flat on their face! No one is going to take this smile off my face cos where I am is where I want to be right now, tomorrow is another day and it never comes anyway and the people that didnt make it past my yesterday dont burn as much as they think they should! Sometimes you've got to break the rules to have some fun! I just thought I'd inform the world of my new conviction! <3
Sunday, 13 September 2009
Who needs luck with odds like these...
Once again I find myself embarking on yet another "drama" I'm so sick of drama in my life its no wander I quit uni! 5 weeks tomorrow is my 23rd birthday nothing very special just another number however every birthday is special to me because my Mum has always made them so. Every year she finds something new to do for it buys a new decoration or goes all out to decorate the house and make you feel like the most important person in the world just cos its your birthday a tradition I have inherited but pull off in no means the same spectacular fashion. This year though I've felt like the odds have been stacked against me to enjoy this birthday as my friends all have other plans and tomorrow we find out if my Mum who has been there throughout every shit time in my life made everyday as fun and happy as she can as well as every birthday and made right as many of my wrongs as she humanly could, has cancer.
By no means should anyone get me wrong my birthday is in fact neither here nor there, I would in fact trade a lifetime of birthdays if it meant she didn't have it and I have to admit since last wednesday I have been thinking very long and very hard about whats important in my life now and what happens should the worst be the case tomorrow, almost everything has been put into some kind of perspective and all the trivial things that caused me chagrin before have somewhat disappeared and the need for people in my life that I can rely on and who actually give an ounce of a crap has become important, not that I expect for any of the relationships I have with people to change but I've found myself becoming bored with people who have excuses for everything and people who dont know what they've got until its gone I'm getting annoyed at even small displays of blasaity everything tiny thing around me is having an effect on me at the moment I dont want to miss a single minute of anything but its being ruined by people who are all too willing to throw everything away. I can see that the next few months are probably going to be much harder than I first anticipated but for the sake of staying as strong as I possibly can I'm cutting all the crap out of my life I am now more than aware of the smaller things in life that have more meaning than grand gestures, I hold my hands up and confess I have and I do take things for granted but from now on I've got to concentrate on the things that are actually important even if she's fine I've had one hell of a wake up call.
By no means should anyone get me wrong my birthday is in fact neither here nor there, I would in fact trade a lifetime of birthdays if it meant she didn't have it and I have to admit since last wednesday I have been thinking very long and very hard about whats important in my life now and what happens should the worst be the case tomorrow, almost everything has been put into some kind of perspective and all the trivial things that caused me chagrin before have somewhat disappeared and the need for people in my life that I can rely on and who actually give an ounce of a crap has become important, not that I expect for any of the relationships I have with people to change but I've found myself becoming bored with people who have excuses for everything and people who dont know what they've got until its gone I'm getting annoyed at even small displays of blasaity everything tiny thing around me is having an effect on me at the moment I dont want to miss a single minute of anything but its being ruined by people who are all too willing to throw everything away. I can see that the next few months are probably going to be much harder than I first anticipated but for the sake of staying as strong as I possibly can I'm cutting all the crap out of my life I am now more than aware of the smaller things in life that have more meaning than grand gestures, I hold my hands up and confess I have and I do take things for granted but from now on I've got to concentrate on the things that are actually important even if she's fine I've had one hell of a wake up call.
Thursday, 3 September 2009
Speedhate!!!
Apparently according to my mate I'm not pulling my weight with the site she created with the sole purpose of getting me a date. Not to sound ungrateful but I neither asked her nor do I condone the creating of the site in fact I find the whole idea of her involvement in my Love life a bit control freak physco. The fact that she finds it necessary to set me up at all suggests to me that maybe she's missing something in her own relationship and that instead of involving herself in mine she should take a look a her own. I know that she probably means well however can she not see how it may be just a little bit insensitive and even condescending that she finds that I alone am so obviously incapable of finding myself someone!?
I just find it a bit weird why is it she feels the need to have the control over me!? Is that what its really about underneath? How would she feel if I was to go about wading into her personal life and suddenly demanding that she see's this person on my say so or that one? Would she if she were not so "happily" coupled up herself probably think the same way as me? Would she then go and "date" the men I'd shortlisted for her knowing nothing about them putting herself in a potentially embarrassing or even dangerous situation? Somehow I think not and somehow I think that perhaps she would be as wary as me and perhaps she should consider this fact:
Perhaps the reason that I am single is because one to many times I've trusted a friend.
I just find it a bit weird why is it she feels the need to have the control over me!? Is that what its really about underneath? How would she feel if I was to go about wading into her personal life and suddenly demanding that she see's this person on my say so or that one? Would she if she were not so "happily" coupled up herself probably think the same way as me? Would she then go and "date" the men I'd shortlisted for her knowing nothing about them putting herself in a potentially embarrassing or even dangerous situation? Somehow I think not and somehow I think that perhaps she would be as wary as me and perhaps she should consider this fact:
Perhaps the reason that I am single is because one to many times I've trusted a friend.
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Out on a Limb...
So then...yeah the er...future. My future. Hmmmm...you should know that right now I'm doing that thing when I'm rolling back and forward onto the balls of my feet and every now again clapping my hands in front of me whilst contemplating what exactly "My Future" entails. I know what I want and know how to get there and I know that until I'm rolling into that car park on a frosty Monday morning I have a hell of a long time til I get there.
At the moment thats all I have is the smallest glimmer of light at the end of a very long tunnel.
I've left uni realising that now at 23 I need more in my life than a piece of paper with a qualification on it. I need to be able to move into my own house and stand on my own two feet rather than sailing on the wings of my parents. I need to take responsibility for myself, I need to start feeling a bit of pride about myself.
To boot I know I'm alone on this because my parents never wanted me to do what I've done for the last year because I guess they knew I would be unhappy. My Brother as much as he has helped me out unconditionally is giving me a load of, " I told you so." Which I have to admit I guess I deserve. So its me, myself and I. And I've really gotta figure this out.
However knowing what my destination is I'm tempted to up sticks and move away and start new the job I want is country wide and maybe if I move away I'll get there faster. My family will still be here and they'll understand and I know they will support me. Its tempting cos now I have this tiny bit of freedom to actually do something with my life and stop pissing around with certificates proving I've achieved nothing much so far. I could move anywhere I wanted make new friends, find someone who wants me and have a job I love instead of this feeling of well being a bit empty actually.
Despite all this tho and the short term uncertainty I know that I have made the best decision of my entire life and all I can see is happy me, no matter how hard its gonna be to get there :-)
At the moment thats all I have is the smallest glimmer of light at the end of a very long tunnel.
I've left uni realising that now at 23 I need more in my life than a piece of paper with a qualification on it. I need to be able to move into my own house and stand on my own two feet rather than sailing on the wings of my parents. I need to take responsibility for myself, I need to start feeling a bit of pride about myself.
To boot I know I'm alone on this because my parents never wanted me to do what I've done for the last year because I guess they knew I would be unhappy. My Brother as much as he has helped me out unconditionally is giving me a load of, " I told you so." Which I have to admit I guess I deserve. So its me, myself and I. And I've really gotta figure this out.
However knowing what my destination is I'm tempted to up sticks and move away and start new the job I want is country wide and maybe if I move away I'll get there faster. My family will still be here and they'll understand and I know they will support me. Its tempting cos now I have this tiny bit of freedom to actually do something with my life and stop pissing around with certificates proving I've achieved nothing much so far. I could move anywhere I wanted make new friends, find someone who wants me and have a job I love instead of this feeling of well being a bit empty actually.
Despite all this tho and the short term uncertainty I know that I have made the best decision of my entire life and all I can see is happy me, no matter how hard its gonna be to get there :-)
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Coming soon at an Ikea near you...Jeremy Kyle's face on a cushion!
I have hit the pits!!! After a successful interview this morning feeling pretty pleased with myself I thought nothing of crawling back into my duvet turning on my T.V and doing nothing for the rest of the day! I feel no shame!!!
That is of course until I hit ITV2!!! There is something wrongly satisfying about feeling cosy and smug wrapped in my duvet whilst some chavvy, trackie clad hooli-yob (check it, its in the Me dictionary!!!) is having their entire existence punched holes in by some court suit clad mouthy up-start! Mr Jeremy Kyle, shamefully I found myself completely absorbed in the shout fest unraveling in front of my eyes and found myself rallying the Kyle side! I have to admit that he doesnt strike me as the type of guy I would give a second thought to if he were to start shouting at me but some of these people are so dense I doubt as if they even realise what it is the tyrant is shouting at them! Its all such trash tv and yet I am so completely addicted today and :-O I put trackies on!!!
I am so glad that I can look out of the window of my parents 4 bedroomed house into the quiet suburban neighbourhood at a drive full of cars knowing that there will be no Jeremy Kyle gawping in trying to offer me "help!"
That is of course until I hit ITV2!!! There is something wrongly satisfying about feeling cosy and smug wrapped in my duvet whilst some chavvy, trackie clad hooli-yob (check it, its in the Me dictionary!!!) is having their entire existence punched holes in by some court suit clad mouthy up-start! Mr Jeremy Kyle, shamefully I found myself completely absorbed in the shout fest unraveling in front of my eyes and found myself rallying the Kyle side! I have to admit that he doesnt strike me as the type of guy I would give a second thought to if he were to start shouting at me but some of these people are so dense I doubt as if they even realise what it is the tyrant is shouting at them! Its all such trash tv and yet I am so completely addicted today and :-O I put trackies on!!!
I am so glad that I can look out of the window of my parents 4 bedroomed house into the quiet suburban neighbourhood at a drive full of cars knowing that there will be no Jeremy Kyle gawping in trying to offer me "help!"
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