Imploding.

I finally found a bit of peace and calm after last nights whirlwind anger management issue! However everything remains intact nothing was harmed during the riding of the storm!!! I just did my usual thing and took myself off to bed tossed and turned til I could see daylight and finally drifted off to sleep. Self control in check ;-) Awesome! I am in awe of my ability to just switch off when I'm angry I dont know what happens cos I rarely remember I just kind of go blank like really quiet in my mind too like its best not to think about anything. The easiest thing to do is go to my happy place. That very much used to be asleep but lately I'm having really shitty dreams where everyone ignores me invariably theres something wrong and I'm trying to get someones attention but no one listens eventually everyone just sort of fades out and its just me stood there. Seriously I'm almost considering getting proffessional help, its really hard to admit that I really am this unhappy and that I really cant carry on being so. I've read back through the blogs I've made so far and back through the diaries I've kept since I was 14 and for every 1 happy moment it seems like there is months of self loathing and hate to make up for it. I also thought today too about my really warped sense of what I look like and the type of person I am, for the last month Ive been obsessing about what i've been eating thinking that I've put on loads of weight and look really fat when in actual fact I got on the scales today to find out that I weigh half a stone less than I did three weeks ago. My obsession with what I put in my mouth it appears has come back to haunt me again :-( sat at the dinner table this evening my mother watched as I seperated everything into squares. The squares that werent perfect wouldnt be eaten those that were had to cut down again into smaller squares and the process of elimination would start again until of course the food on my plate was stone cold and I didnt have to eat any of it. Yesterday was a similar food game only yesterday the game was colours i would only eat foods that matched certain colours. No one thought it strange that my plate consisted of just 3 items! I dont think it even worries me to be honest not anymore last time I went through this I again let my issues of self loathing and hate, control the one thing I felt I had control over to make me feel happy again, Food. Only this time my magical food therapist doesnt exist anymore because the NHS made cuts at my local surgery so I dont have to worry about her making me eat at least 2000 calories a day and making a physical note about it at least she wont be scrutinsing the little diary she made me keep and some how knowing exactly where I was lying!!! How she ever knew still completely eludes me. At least this time tho I can admit I've got a problem its just I dont actually want to do anything about it! So its just me and yeah I'm right this time it is just me in the last year more friends have moved away than I knew there were the towns to accommodate them and you know what there's sweet FA I can do about it. I am almost completely resigned to the fact that I am 100% headed for a bit of a crash. In fact I think crash maybe the wrong word for it I think carnage may be more appropriate. But I know that I yet again only have myself to blame I was the one who gave into my self hating side constantly critisising and pointing out only that, that is wrong with me and letting others do the same failing to see that there may actually be anything good about me and now I just dont care. The void that is me is getting bigger and one day soon I'm just going to implode.